*Sigh* You know, Dear Readers, I thought this was a good idea at some point. I was wrong. Strap in and join me on my slow descent into madness with 10 questionably hilarious and definitely strange Kidz Bop covers.
For your ease and reference the original songs are hyperlinked in the text of the respective song titles. (I'm so thoughtful, I know.)
For a little backstory, the point for me when Kidz Bop turned from just fringe societal mishap into a strange phenomenon that was just begging for investigation started when someone sent me a link to the Kidz Bop version of Macklemore's magnum opus, Thrift Shop. So let’s start off with that...
The Kidz Bop Kidz's (here on out referred to as the kbkidz) canter is so off. Why? It’s almost like the beat isn’t there. How are they all so collectively off beat? This has to be a choice.
Lyric changes: Popping tags is too offensive (obvi) so its change to “rock some tags” is just bizarre especially since they say mammy in this song.
Just A Friend: I thought I was going to get into some hilarity with this one based on the original song and lyrics, but I quickly realized Kidz Bop's method of avoiding uncomfortable situations is similar to mine - just ignore them and repeat to chorus ad nauseum! They took out pretty much everything; lyrics, heart, you name it and just added their own ad libs.
Lyric changes: They took out Biz's entire intro and replaced it with jibbering. The most confusing lyric they added (around 18 seconds) is "I wanna know what you like so I can do it all night" ...yeah...um...
Me Myself and I: The kbkidz just keep saying “I can’t believeeeee” while the adult practically just sings the entire song.
Lyric changes: As I mentioned above, the lyrics are pretty much in line with the original song, however, the lyric "Living with your 3 kids in my home" was changed to "3 friends in my home". Apparently it's ok to say "I dreamed of one day having your kids" but not ok to mention kids living with you? Can a parent explain this to me? What am I missing here?
My Immortal: There’s just something so contrived about kids singing lyrics like, “I’ve held your hand through all of these years” and “There's just too much that time cannot erase”. How can kids relate to this? Is this a sibling rivalry? Did someone not leggo someone else's eggo? The adult singer struggles through the end (fast forward to 2:40 and try not to throw your device) - vocal cords begging for death. Good lord.
Lyric changes: I actually don't think they changed anything.
Toxic: This is pretty much the exact same (not child appropriate) song but enhanced with the sounds of children's blood curdling and unexpected screams. Seriously. Check out the 1:13 time mark for an example. Also 1:45, 2:16. These lyrics are not appropriate for children why would it be made better by having children screaming over them Kidz Bop execs?
Lyric Changes: Nothing really. It's just that screaming is so damn unnerving because you can never anticipate it.
GDFR: Why would you even want to do a kid’s cover of this song? The lyrics are seriously out there and filthy my god.
Lyric Changes: Well they had to change damn near all the lyrics in the verses because dear god this is not a kid's song. Who's idea was this?
If I Were A Boy: Imagine you're at an elementary school glee club performance. Ok, now press play.
Lyric Changes: "You're just a boy you don't understand how it feels to love a girl some day you wish you were a better one" Apparently man is a dirty word so they had to change it to the word "one"? I don't get it.
1985: This is another song plagued with children screaming starting at just 13 seconds in! Wow! But the big story here is that this cover is filled with some of the most bizarre choices of inappropriate lyrics carried over from the original version.
Lyric Changes: Kidz Bop leaves in the lyric “one prozac a day”, but I can distinctly remember the Radio Disney kid friendly version sung by the actual band changing this lyric to “one workout a day”. Kidz Bop also kept in the lyric “only been with one man, what happened to her plan” (omg). Whereas the actual band changed their kid friendly version to "only loved just one man, what happened to her plan?" like responsible adults. What is going on over at Kidz Bop Studios?! Have I stumbled upon a real live Corrupt the Youth™ Illuminati plan? I won't tell if you won't.
Bad Blood: This was actually not a bad cover. The adult(?) singing the main parts actually sounds pretty close to T Swift.
Lyric Changes: The only real difference is they are protecting your kids from the horrors of rapper Kendrick Lamar. Also, they changed "bandaids don’t fix bulletholes holes" to "bandaids don’t fix don't you know" whatever that means.
The Hamsterdance Song: They can’t even do The Hamster Song right? What?! There are only like 5 actual human words in the song the rest is just noise. What in god's name is in the water at Kidz Bop Studios? I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Lyric Changes: Fuggetaboutit
I have no doubt that Kidz Bop studios is in actuality a front for a satanic torture center run by demons with bad comb overs where the sound of children's screams comes out of the hand dryers.
Now if you don't mind, I have to burn some sage to cleanse this evil from my home.
What was your favorite (!) cover?